I have killed men and I am the father of Britney Spears' baby.
Back when I killed people for the CIA, they took a sample of my sperm and froze it. I received a letter in the mail three months ago saying that they had donated the sperm to an "anonymous female celebrity" who desired a child "with a warrior spirit and a propensity for space ships and baked apples."
I can only assume it was Ms. Spears.
I'm so sorry, Jessi.
-Sam
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